I made a promise to myself, that in my 4o th year, I will be baptized. That was last year, and it didn’t happen for some reasons. And I have had many reasons and excuses in the past years for not going through it. In truth, I was just not ready to surrender my life to Him. I have been holding on to something and if I were to go through baptism without repentance, then I will just be a total hypocrite. I will just be doing it for show, to look good with fellow Christians, outwardly obedient, but still a rebel at heart. I do not want that.
“A heart that is so broken has only two choices: to continue wrecking itself with the wrong choices, or to bring it to God to be mended and healed”
God looks at the heart. He has been dealing with me all these years, urging me to loosen my grasp and let go. Stubborn me, I just wouldn’t. I had to hurt even more and be an emotional wreck before I decided I have had enough and I cannot really run away from Him.
I thank God for pursuing me and never giving up on me. Such love, such grace to wait patiently until I came to my senses. A heart that is so broken has only two choices: to continue wrecking itself with the wrong choices, or to bring it to God to be mended and healed. I am thankful that though I may have wandered too far, it’s just so impossible for me to forget God altogether.
This year, particularly on Resurrection Sunday last April, I took as step that has changed the course of my life in the coming months. I felt the hand of God in all the things that happened since then. It’s like God was holding my hand and pulling me with Him, leading me to paths that I would not have dared to go in the past. It was uncomfortable at times, but as I see new doors opening, I just let myself be led.
Last September, I joined a Bible study group, and just a month and a half later, I have decided to walk in obedience at long last. I got water baptized on October 17, and a day before that, I have been baptized with the Holy Spirit. I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus. I may look the same on the outside, but I know I am forever changed on the inside. Knowing that I am sealed with the Holy Spirit and that He has not departed from me even if I have grieved Him for a long time, has changed my outlook, my perspective, even the faith that I think I have. Nothing compares to knowing and feeling the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
I am changed, living a new life at 41.
And I can’t wait for what God has in store for me. It’s not a promise of an easy life, but it will be a fulfilling one, lived for His wonderful purposes. Nothing can quite satisfy my soul more than knowing I am doing His will.
I pray that my life would be lived well for His honor and glory. And to that, I say Amen!